So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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