I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
