i need an iv and a liver transplant
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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