I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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