"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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