how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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