I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
