I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
