I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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