If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
