Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
