i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I said "one day" and that day is not today
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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