Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
