i wish there were pregnant emoticons
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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