just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
