It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
