the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
