Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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