Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
