last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
