every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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