I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
