I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
