So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
