I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
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To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
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You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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