Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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