he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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