she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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