Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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