If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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