sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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