I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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