Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
