Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
