Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
