dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
