when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
