He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
