Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
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I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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