Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
