can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think I died a long time ago.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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