i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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