you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
