WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
