If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I deserve to be covered in dicks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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