Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
