I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
