i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
