just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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