haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
