4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
