I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
