we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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