What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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