She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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