Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
